Little Dab'll Do Ya

I've had at least one nose-bleed a day for the past week.
It's a combo of allergies, low humidity, and stress.
My friend, Lakroya, says it's because I think nasty thoughts, but I think that makes blood rush elsewhere.
My other friend, Laura, knows a guy who gets erections when he gets angry.
I went to a party and the house was lit with black lights. You could see every spot were a supposed animal had pissed.
I weigh the most I've ever weighed. My brother says I'm becoming a man.
I have a feeling Ill die in a calamity like a tornado, war, or genocide.

I leave for a 6 day trip and the University of Oklahoma goes straight to the looney bin.

1.) Girl gives birth to a one-month premature baby in her Walker Tower dorm room. Girl didn't know she was pregnant. How's a girl not know when she's pregnant? According to the OU Daily she just all of a sudden up and started having labor pains and gave birth in the bathroom of her suite. The baby was delivered by her roommate, who, get this, has apirations of becoming an OBGYN. God works in mysterious ways, doesn't he? There's only one girl in my life who could claim to not know she was not pregant and I'd believe her. I'd like to get a peek at the unsuspecting mother, but the Daily has not released her name. I would resort to JuicyCampus.com but this recession has hit us where it really hurts: college gossip websites. Is there a clause in the stimulus package for websites like JuicyCampus and Ruckus?

2.) Apparently a man named Michael Childers attacked a professor. Allegedly there was a gun involved, but eye witnesse claim it looked more like he was tying to push the prof down the stairs of Kaufman Hall. Naturely Ol' boy went to jail, but not before he could update his facebook status, something to the effect of it's all just a bunch of post-Virginia Tech paranoia. Virginia Tech or not, bro, you threatened someone with a gun! If VT had never happened then what? Blame it all on post-JFK assassination angst? I mean really.

I Had a Dream

I was looking at a hill. Over the crest of the hill, I could see something rising as it walked towards me from the other side of the hill. It was an ambivalent alligator with an open mouth. From his open mouth came a lullaby that lulled me into a deeper trance.

I'm starting to hate the future. You get to know people you can never meet. Strangers can see my front door from thousands of miles away. Coke machines are annoying. I blame the atom bomb.

I Once Had a Dream

that Oprah was protested for justifying materialism with philanthropy.
that my roommate killed my fetus with a hand-drill.
that a man hacked me to pieces with meat cleavers.
that I was a 19th century botanist exploring the newly acquired Louisiana Purchase.
that someone stole my Hot Pocket when all I owned was a pair of underwear.
that Bill Clinton said the word "rats" was unpatriotic, so we took a vote and renamed them "victory vermin."

Darlin' Can't You Hear Me?

I wish.

Second Installment of "Embarrassing But True"

Spring 2002

Soccer Homecoming

Dream

I had a dream last night that I was a zombie amongst a vast zombie army. Our skin was white, and we posessed super-strength. We hated killing, but our actions were controlled by a powerful, unseen mind. Our commander was a red werewolf who was more vicious than any zombie or any other beast of hell. We attacked underground refugee cities and slaughtered the humans within. While trying to track down a child I caught a glimpse of what the world looked like above ground. The image was so powerful that I became human again. What remained of the human race congregated and built a fortified city. When the hope of survival seemed dim, alien ships came from outer space and dropped packages of food and health supplies. My friend was labeled an Elder by the new system of government although he was no older than me. We had to escort him to the very outskirts of the city for his exile as an Elder. He would constantly be in peril of being the first victim of an attack of the undead army.