that Oprah was protested for justifying materialism with philanthropy.
that my roommate killed my fetus with a hand-drill.
that a man hacked me to pieces with meat cleavers.
that I was a 19th century botanist exploring the newly acquired Louisiana Purchase.
that someone stole my Hot Pocket when all I owned was a pair of underwear.
that Bill Clinton said the word "rats" was unpatriotic, so we took a vote and renamed them "victory vermin."
