Deep in the recesses of space, a planet that shall remain unnamed picked up radio waves from a far off planet called Earth. Through the static and interference the aliens of this planet could hear the voices of men who seemed to be very angry and opinionated. From these voices the aliens deducted that the voices were Earthlings by the names of Rush, Bill, and Sean. The aliens became intrigued by the life forms of this newly discovered planet and decided to send a representative to the planet to observe the lives of the planet's inhabitants and bring back valuable information. A council convened and decided to send a brave cadet that had shown ruthless battle skills in the Last Great War of the Ninth Galaxy. The chosen alien donned an Earthling costume, adjusted his long blonde wig, boarded his ship, and set off for Earth.
The only transmissions that reached the unknown planet were solely those of the "fair and balanced" Fox News broadcasts. Assuming these beliefs to be held by the vast majority of Earthlings, the young cadet, now called Ann Coulter, felt it necessary to strongly support these ideals to blend in with the other Earthlings. Once he arrived on Earth, he sought out the voices of the men he had heard in the labs of his home planet. Young Ann had never anticipated becoming so adored by the men he had heard. Since Ann’s views were so strong these men admired him and let him into their inner circle. Due to this quick entrance into the conservative elite, poor Ann never had a chance to learn what Earthlings really thought.
Where's the proof, you ask?
1.) Ann Coulter must be an alien, because she does not understand what it really means to have human emotion. She was the deadliest soldier in her home galaxy, therefore, violence and death is all she knows. "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."
2.) While listening to the broadcasts, Alien Ann heard the terms "Democrat" and "liberal" used to describe an invisible, nebulous enemy. Since Ann is familiar with nebulas she jumped right on board with hating a group of people she herself can't truly define. "I've decided to cut out the part of the speech where I say anything nice about Democrats."
3.) Ann does not understand how the complicated eco-systems of Earth really work. She makes statements based on her limited knowledge of the animals and natural processes of Earth. "Water. Liberals are worried we're going to run out of something that literally falls from the sky. Here's an idea: Just wait. It will rain."
4.) Since Ann is an alien she will do whatever it takes to keep the suspicion off of her true identity. That is why she is so hateful towards illegal “aliens”. If she hates aliens so much, then clearly she is not an alien. “If liberals think Iraqis are genetically incapable of pulling off even the most rudimentary form of democracy, why do they believe 50 million Mexicans will magically become good Americans, imbued in the nation's history and culture, upon crossing the Rio Grande? Maybe we should dunk Iraqis in the Rio and see what happens.”
5.) Look at her!
1.) Ann Coulter must be an alien, because she does not understand what it really means to have human emotion. She was the deadliest soldier in her home galaxy, therefore, violence and death is all she knows. "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity."
2.) While listening to the broadcasts, Alien Ann heard the terms "Democrat" and "liberal" used to describe an invisible, nebulous enemy. Since Ann is familiar with nebulas she jumped right on board with hating a group of people she herself can't truly define. "I've decided to cut out the part of the speech where I say anything nice about Democrats."
3.) Ann does not understand how the complicated eco-systems of Earth really work. She makes statements based on her limited knowledge of the animals and natural processes of Earth. "Water. Liberals are worried we're going to run out of something that literally falls from the sky. Here's an idea: Just wait. It will rain."
4.) Since Ann is an alien she will do whatever it takes to keep the suspicion off of her true identity. That is why she is so hateful towards illegal “aliens”. If she hates aliens so much, then clearly she is not an alien. “If liberals think Iraqis are genetically incapable of pulling off even the most rudimentary form of democracy, why do they believe 50 million Mexicans will magically become good Americans, imbued in the nation's history and culture, upon crossing the Rio Grande? Maybe we should dunk Iraqis in the Rio and see what happens.”
5.) Look at her!
Now her home planet is calling her home, but Ann refuses to return. The fame and attention she gets on Earth overshadows her accomplishments on her home planet for being a great warrior. Her home planet fears that her views on the Earth’s resources may spread to the masses.
The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man's dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet — it's yours. That's our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars — that's the Biblical view.
When Earth runs out of resources the leaders of her home planet fear that Ann’s fervor may blind her and cause her to point out that there is planet out there that has an abundance of resources and technologies that could sustain Earth for billions of more years, and she knows just how to get there. Ann became a war hero in the Last Great War of the Ninth Galaxy, and her home planet plans to keep it the last war. Go home, Ann. Your home planet fears that you may have lost yourself while on Earth. Earth certainly wouldn’t mind losing you, so just go home, Ann.
1 comment:
i like wat u've written hear... smart... ppl dont usually comment on things wich go ovr their head... so don't think dat u've gone wrong sumwhr... know dat others dont care or dont evn bother 2 think... hey! m 4m india n i dunno much about ann coulter... js surfing d net n u know... i came across hr... so culd u js email me about her...??? i'd b thankful...
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